Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
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