This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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