You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
