My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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