I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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