I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
