i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
