Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
she told me i tasted like america
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
