well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
