Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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