69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
