Im at strip club and am horny
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
