Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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