I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
