I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
