i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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