Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
