I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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