I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
