I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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