I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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