I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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