What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
