i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just pynch a tree in the face
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
