I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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