I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
