a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
