I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
