The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
