why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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