hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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