I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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