Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
