In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
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In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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