my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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