I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
