my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
