Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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