True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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