my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Randomize
