I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
