let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
