I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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