saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
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I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
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IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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