Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
