so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
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That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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