If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
