By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
His nipple licking is glorious
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