if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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