Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Randomize
