She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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