I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
