There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
