I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
