I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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