All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
