I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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