what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
